Some friends of mine have asked "How are you doing this?" Or commented, "I don't know if I could do what you're doing." I gotta say 9 days ago I would have said the same exact thing. Before Shawn's emergency, illness, surgery, paralysis, I've never had to pull from the reserves. Sure, I've had some trying times but those pale in comparison.
Honestly, I don't know where the strength is coming from or how I'm doing it, it's just coming and I am just doing it. So I can only assume that somewhere deep inside me is some super human strength. Physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. Reserved for something just like this. All the yoga stuff I read and practice, all the spiritual "guru's" books I've read, say it's there and sure enough, it is.
Through each step of this I have of course had moments where I thought, I can't make it through this. The worst moment being when the ER doctors came in after Shawn's MRI. We already knew that his condition was serious but when they walked in I felt their energy and the hardcore seriousness of this before they even opened their mouths. I'll never forget Dr. Dan telling me what was going on. Thankfully I was sitting down because my legs were shaking uncontrollably. If I had been standing, well, I wouldn't have been standing for long. I could feel myself not breathing and I could hear myself saying, breath. deep. now. And I did. Somehow I managed to not collapse, continue breathing and hear and understand every word he was saying while looking him directly in the eyes.
The second worst was at the other hospital ER the night before. I can't really get into a lot of details here about that night for potential legal reasons, but let's just say, seeing your normally extremely strong and seemingly indestructible husband collapsed in front of your eyes is enough to suck the life right out of you. To see him helpless and not be able to physically help is unreal. But I knew I couldn't collapse too, I had to be strong. And that strength just came.
Each day since his surgery, I've tapped into the reserves, to be strong for him and to just function and do what needs to be done. To be there in the hospital, smile, hold his hand, massage his feet, move his legs, whatever I needed to do to show him that we, together, will get through this, no matter what. Because we both have that strength in us. And I'm completely amazed at the courage, strength and resolve that Shawn has shown through all of this.
Thankfully, with the support of so many wonderful friends I haven't had to tap into the reserves for things like grocery shopping, making food or cleaning my house. And that is huge.
What I'm learning is that these reserves are there, no matter what, in all of us, ready to be
tapped into when needed.
And yes, I know that I will need to replenish these reserves and I will. In fact, I'm going to bed right now (9:30!!) to do just that.