Gratitude Day 3 - Grateful for Traffic

Wait? Huh? What? Grateful for traffic??? What am I? Crazy?

Well, maybe just a little. But seriously. I'm grateful for the traffic I sat in on my way home from work last night. If I hadn't been sitting, I would not have been able to get these pics of this glorious, dramatic November sky at sunset. If I hadn't been sitting in the traffic I would have noticed the sunset but not been able to really see it. So thanks Northern VA Friday evening rush hour traffic. You made it possible for me to really enjoy this! And thank you Mother Nature for offering such beauty. It was stunning!

Gratitude Day 2 - Thankful for Freddie Fang

Say hello to Freddie Fang. Freddie Fang wandered into our yard about five weeks ago and never left. Mind you, we were feeding him and everyone knows if you feed a stray cat they will never leave:) 

Freddie Fang is one cool dude. He's got this long fang that hangs down out of his mouth, hence Freddie Fang or as we sometimes call him, Fang. He is super chill and friendly and has the longest meows ever. He likes pets and likes to sit in your lap. 

Shawn and I decided let's try to keep him and integrate him into our family of two other cats, Lenny Boy and Lucy Poo. We had been talking about getting a kitten but at one point I was like it would be nice to save an older kitty. And what happens an older kitty comes strolling into our backyard. 

Before we could let him in he had to be tested for viruses and parasites and we needed to find out if he was a boy or girl. Lots of fluffy fur hiding the private parts. Took him to the vet, he was all clean and we brought him in. 

Knowing that it's not a good idea to just throw cats together we put him in our bedroom with a litter box in the master bath and that's where he's been hanging out for about four weeks. Over the last four weeks we had tried integrating him with the other cats. Lots of yowling, hissing, fear and anxiety ensued. At first I thought Freddie Fang is being aggressive towards the other cats. Wanting to chase and back them into corners. On Monday, he chased Lenny Boy and got him cornered and the screaming coming out of Lenny Boy was just awful. I was like this just isn't going to work.

I was worried. Worried there would be a fight and that would set a precedent that fighting would be ok. Worried that Lenny Boy would always be scared and not be his sweet, chill self anymore. Worried that Lucy Poo would go hide somewhere and we'd rarely see her again. So over the course of the last four weeks I never fully embraced the idea of adding Freddie Fang to the mix 100%.

You see I liked the dynamic the way it was. Lenny and Lucy and their antics. I was attached to that dynamic. And remaining attached to that dynamic has been causing suffering in the form of anxiety. Yes, the lesson is coming:)

Yesterday I asked Shawn to try some integration with me not there. As in remove the true cause of anxiety that's projecting it throughout the household and see what happens. And guess what, it wasn't so bad. Yeah there was still hissing and growling but no fights. Yeah Lucy was still hiding but she and Lenny Boy both recovered fine. We did it again later when I was home and Freddie wasn't aggressive at all. It was Lenny Boy being a pussy (pun intended and sorry for the language, I absolutely couldn't resist!). Jees, did I raise my boy kitty to be a pussy and not stand up for himself? Hmmm ... I think so. Thankfully I don't have kids. God knows what kind of issues they would have!

My awakening that I seem to be causing more anxiety than the cats themselves and the fact that I have been attached to the current dynamic led to a decision. Freddie Fang is staying. The dynamic will change. It would eventually one way or another. I am releasing attachment and in doing so am also releasing anxiety. 

So today I am grateful for Freddie Fang for reminding me that attachment causes suffering and that I can change that. I am grateful to that fluffy cat for reminding me that change is gonna happen and you just gotta deal with it (you would think I would know this by now!!). 

This makes it's official ... welcome Freddie Fang Shabibi. 

Gratitude Day 1 - Thankful for the Cold

November 1! I can't believe how fast this year is passing. Wasn't it just New Year's Day?? 

Well, now that it's November and Thanksgiving comes in November it's time for a daily Gratitude post. My friend Gretchen started doing a daily Gratitude post on Facebook a few years ago. She inspired me to do it last year. I think I've inspired someone to do it this year:) 

This year I'm going to do it here because if you want to rise up out of the muck one of the fastest, easiest ways is to be grateful, even for the muck itself. 

It's super easy to be grateful for all the good stuff. But can you find something to be grateful for in the crap? The traffic you sat in on your way to work? The power that was out because of the storm? 

For example, when Shawn was paralyzed, how could I be grateful for anything? Well, I was grateful for a lot. Most importantly that he was alive! Because that infection could have killed him given another day or two. 

So here we go ... Day 1 of a month of Gratitude ... today I'm grateful that when our power was out because of the storm this week it was cold outside. Yes, I'm grateful that it was cold outside because that meant the cooler of the few perishable items I wanted to try and save sat outside in a big old natural refrigerator. And that meant that when we had no power to cook I was able to eat leftover salad! Yes, I was bundled up, shivering but at least I had lunch!

And of course it's ok to be grateful for the good stuff! And with that I'm super, super grateful that our power came back on after a mere 24 hours. 

Another Opportunity for Growth!

Or as my friend Kathy would say, Another Fucking Opportunity for Growth or AFOG. I'm not sure that she said it herself or if she got it somewhere but I just remember seeing that on her Facebook page a while back and it stuck with me. Why? Because it seems like I am forever getting AFOG! And here I thought that year my husband was paralyzed pretty much covered my growth quotient for awhile. Oh no. Recently when AFOG presented itself, this time I think I did actually grow. And if it could be physically measured maybe a few feet. 

Late last year, some drama started brewing with some family members. I don't want to get into all the details here as to not compromise their privacy, but suffice to say it came out of the blue, was completely unfounded and insane at the very least. And most of the drama, well, all of the drama was centered around me and ways I had or had not behaved with these family members, including some pretty ridiculous but serious accusations. 

When I first heard about this I literally laughed out loud because it was that ridiculous. Then I started feeling bad and was like wow, what can I do to make amends? Then after I tried to make amends with offering an apology, asking to be forgiven and trying to talk it out I started getting angry. I got angry because my apology was not taken and I was not forgiven for seriously minor social infractions. Nor was I offered an apology for the serious accusations that were being thrown at me. 

And then there I was angry. Cursing about it, cursing the family members (not that I don't curse other times but this was serious cursing) and trying to figure out why on earth people would treat me that way. And my feelings were hurt. And it caused a certain amount of stress in my own household. The very reasons that I strive to stay away from drama.

Day to day I wasn't feeling the anger but it was there nonetheless. Another attempt at making amends went down unsuccessfully. Then in June one of these family members got sick.  AFOG had arrived. Now what to do? Can I let go of my anger towards this person to let them know I hope they get better? Do I care if they get better? Do I want them to get better so they can continue creating drama in my life? Oh, tough questions. Ultimately, deep down inside, I don't want anyone to suffer in any way and I want to exude loving kindness and compassion, or ahimsa.

So I sent a get well card, albeit not in the same manner that I would have prior to all that drama. No personal note, just a to and from kind of deal. Not much growth there. Still feeling the anger and maybe a little bitterness but at least acknowledging yes I do want you to get better. 

Then I went to Kripalu for a seven day Chakra intensive. And guess what kept coming up for me, over and over and OVER again during that intensive? You got it, ahimsa. I remember on the throat chakra day you had to define what you are trying to say and then the whole group sings it back to you. "I am compassionate to myself and others." There you go!

You see, I can be kind of a hard ass. On myself and others. I can be very pragmatic as I am very grounded in reality. And sometimes people don't like that. And I come across as maybe not so compassionate. Or maybe this is what I think. When I shared this with a few people they were all like YOU? Yes, me. 

Operating from a place of loving kindness and compassion does not come easy or natural to me. And I feel like as much as I want to think, speak and act from that space, I do find it really, really hard. In certain places and situations it is all natural, like when I'm teaching yoga. No problem practicing ahimsa there. In others, often my expectations get in the way. Ah ... expectations, I'll save that for another post!

Anyway, so ahimsa, I need to work on that. Ok, I will. Well little did I know I would have that opportunity, in fact, AFOG so soon. Back to the sick family member whose doctor has recommended they do yoga. Oh man! You know what that means. And I so wanted to resist. OMG, did I want to resist doing the right thing. But bottom line anger vibrates way, way lower and keeps us stuck in the muck. And regardless of how I may be treated or what's been thrown at me, I do not want to stay in the muck. I want to shine.

So, yes, I agreed to go over to this person's home and teach them some simple yoga. I had to let go and rise above my anger and feelings toward all that drama and the person. Just like that. And I did. And it felt really good to do that. 

I read something recently that says if it doesn't challenge you, it doesn't change you. So I faced that hard challenge. And I grew that day. For real.

Rising Up

And another 3 1/2 months gone! The last time I posted here I talked about how it was time for my blog to evolve. So let the evolution begin!

First step, is some new art. Poor thing can't evolve with the artwork from it's beginning when it's purpose was different. While this isn't the final art (believe me ... this is not the final art! that will evolve too:) it's art for the next step. 

I've been using the name Shining Lotus for a number of things over the years, mostly my yoga business and this blog. And in trying to think of where this blog was going to go I came back to the name, Shining Lotus. 

"Buddhists liken the unfolding of the lotus petals to the unfolding of the divine within the human self. The closed bloom represents the heart with its infinite potential for enlightenment; the open blossom represents the enlightened self. In Buddhism the lotus blossom represents a heart opening. The lotus flower blooms on the surface of the water, with its roots deep below in mud — making it a symbol of light and beauty emerging from darkness."

Basically the lotus flower has its roots in muck and it rises to the surface to bloom radiantly on the water. I love that. Because we all have our roots in muck at some point to some level. And if we can rise out of the muck we can all be creatures of light and beauty. 

So ... drumroll ... the focus of my blog is going to be about rising out of the muck. Because God knows I get mired in some muck. We all do. And I'm going to share how I attempt to rise up. Whether it's through yoga teachings, observations, creative explorations, healthy living, whatever I'm trying, I'm going to share. Sometimes I might share how damn challenging it can be and how sticky and mucky that muck is. Other times I might share how I totally failed and that the poor blossom is still stuck under the water really, really wanting to bloom. And hopefully more often than not I can share something that allowed that lotus blossom to open brilliantly and shine with grace.

Time to look towards the surface and the shining sun ...

Evolution

 A few photos from the US Botanic Gardens

That was a fast 3+ months. I'm not happy that I've been neglecting this space. But sometimes life just gets going and next thing you know, 3 months have passed. Or maybe there's a lack of inspiration. Or perhaps it's time for things to evolve. Or maybe it's all of this.

I haven't been particularly busy. I haven't had any photo shoots in awhile. Freelance design has been slow. But I have been helping my dad with his doctor appointments. And helping a friend who broke her ankle. Dealing with some in-law issues. And of course, there's the life sucking, spirit killing job. So all of these combined are contributing factors to the above reasons/excuses for neglect. 

So in realizing all of this it's definitely time for a change. I'm not sure what direction this blog will go in. It's time to set up a separate photography blog and website. And it's time for this space to evolve. Let the evolution begin. 

Two Years

Blossoming Lotus by Cynthia Rose Young

It's hard to believe that two years have passed. Two years since Shawn was paralyzed by an abscessed staph infection compressing his spinal cord. And today on the two year anniversary of that I feel calm and peaceful.

Last year as every minute passed from January 22 into January 23 I was reminded of what happened when. The anxiety and fear building all over again. Remembering. Last year got off to a rough start as well when Shawn had back to back bladder infections that lead to back to back ER trips. Each of those trips bringing that fear back. He had several other infections throughout 2011 that lead to high fevers with dramatic weight loss. Two steps forward three steps back.

But that's all in the past now. And with the fear subsided and the anxiety of reliving the hell gone, finally, I feel like I have grown. I can look back and say yeah, that was tough and I know that each time I didn't act from my highest self I was aware. And that awareness allowed me to try harder the next time. And while I know there's still growing to do (isn't there always?) I really, really do feel like I've risen up from the muck, like the lotus flower. To blossom on the surface of the water.

Like I said there's a peace and calm now. Like the storm has passed. Yes, there will be cloudy days and probably some bad squalls ahead but The Storm has passed. And the sun has returned to shine on us. And I'm grateful for every step of this journey.